Cannonball

I’ll never forget it.  It was a perfect day in July, or it might have been August. Not a cloud in the sky, well probably, but who was looking – if you catch my drift.  I was over at the community swimming pool over in Peoria and, being a reg’lar guy and all, decided to impress the ladies with my patented Seymour Herschfeld cannonball.  They was just too busy spooning out their noodle casserole and what-not, and I figured they needed a distraction.  But no sooner did I jump that I realized, hey, I might a jumped in over my head.  A purple panic (it might have been blue) struck me, and you wouldn’t believe the terror when I opened my eyes and in all them bubbles I could see my life going by, kind of like the credits rolling after a pitcher when you’re too tired to get up and leave.  I hear talk about a peace that overtakes you in them kind of moments, until I realized, hey, I can swim, and straightened up real quick-like, and found myself standing on my own two, in the waist-deep part of the pool. I let out a sigh of relief the missus heard ten feet away.  She said, “If you want your share before it’s all gone, Seymour, get out of that pool.” Well, it was that close!  And like I always say, you can never be too careful.

The Length of Rondomere

Why, one of my nephews seems to possess a genuine knack for math and the hard sciences. Runs in the family, good Norwegian stock.  Just the other day, he was over at the house, and Rondomere, our Weimaraner was dozing on the rug. The nephew pulled out a tape measure - and we thought, what's he gonna do now? And he proceeded the measure the entire length - he wasn't skimping any -- nope, the entire length of Rondomere from nose to tail. Course, when he reached the tail, Rondomere did let out a little growl. But -- wouldn't ya know it -- no sooner did he finish, that he proceeded to measure Rondomere the other way -- tail to nose, and, dad burn it if the two measurements didn't come so close, you thought, now there's a genius at work.  Less than an inch off each way!  And I can swear to that.

Well, after that display of technical know-how, the family looked at each other proudly and the little lady said she was gonna bake us another bean casserole -- because we all knew it without saying: That cousin has a bright future with NASA! Just a question of who's gonna make the first move. I don't mind sayin' it right off the top.